Deck The Halls With Questionable Matter
by PwnedByPineapple
Summary: In which Romano is kidnapped, Not Amused, and cunning, and the Bad Touch Trio makes it their mission to spread Christmas "joy." Crack-ish.


**Title:** Deck The Halls With Questionable Matter  
><strong>Author:<strong> PwnedByPineapple  
><strong>Summary:<strong> _In which Romano is kidnapped, Not Amused, and cunning, and the Bad Touch Trio makes it their mission to spread Christmas "joy". Crack-ish. Prumano bromance. Reindeer included!_  
><strong>RatingWarning(s):** T; Romano's foul mouth  
><strong>Notes:<strong> Secret Santa gift for de-anon.

**Disclaimer: This fangirl owns nothing.**

* * *

><p><em>"... do with him?"<em>

_"We can't just let him..."_

_"... keep him here temporarily until..."_

Lovino cracked open an eye.

Observation #1: His head pounded as if he'd been forced to spend an entire day listening to that damned Spaniard chatter. (If this was Antonio's fault, there _would_ be violence.)

Observation #2: There was a mop. Its stringy white head dangled above Lovino's face. (The mop pissed him off. He didn't like shit in his face, and he would have glared at it had such an action not inflicted waves of throbbing pain upon his battered brain.)

Observation #3: He was in a tiny space. A really tiny little space that smelled like Antonio's revoltingly cheery cleaning supplies, and there was a mop and a bucket and other synonymous objects, and he knew _exactly_ where he was...!

Lovino sat up so fast that his brain decided to do somersaults in his skull, and the mop slapped him in the face. He spat out bits of mop and violent expletives as he gripped his head, blinking dazedly at his narrow, dimly illuminated surroundings.

Antonio's cleaning closet. What... the... _hell_?

"Kesesese~!" laughed a muffled but irritatingly familiar voice from behind the ominously closed door. Lovino clambered to his feet despite his pounding head, shoving aside cleaning supplies, and lunged for the doorknob. He found it _locked_. "Sounds like you've finally woken up~!"

"Gilbert, if you don't open this fucking door, I swear I'm gonna-!"

"What? Yell at me some more?" As Gilbert snickered, Lovino subsided with great effort and glared at the wood, muttering a few choice words. He tested the doorknob again, just in case, but it was still locked. God _damn_ it. Why was he in here?

He scrunched up his face against the headache in order to remember. He'd come to Antonio's house for something. ... Oh, right. He'd been coming to chew the bastard out for accidentally leaking Lovino's vacation plans to Francis last week. (_That _had been a fucking mess, and Romano was still pissed about having to cut his plans short.) He'd entered the house and... that damn trio had been there. Antonio, Gilbert, and Francis. Planning something that involved Tino and nasty pranks. Lovino had confronted them about it and...

... he began to glower at the door once more, hoping the white-haired moron on the other side could feel the burning intensity his eyeballs were emitting. (He hoped it hurt like hell, too.) "You _bastard_," Lovino growled. "You hit me over the head!"

"Oh, yes. Sorry about that," Gilbert said, and there was as much apology in his voice as there were functioning brain cells in Lovino's idiot brother's head. "I may have panicked a little." He snickered again, and Lovino wanted nothing more than to break down the door to strangle Gilbert's stupid neck.

Breaking down the door. Would that work? Lovino eyed the thick wood and thought better of it. But was there something in the closet that could help? He took stock of its contents and scowled. The most substantial weapon was that damned mop, which leaned lopsidedly in a bucket like the worthless thing it was. And there was nothing small enough that could be used to even pick the lock!

Trust that Spaniard to have the most useless cleaning closet in the world.

"What was it for?" Lovino demanded, rubbing the lump on his head and wincing. "Why'd you lock me up in here? What're you bastards planning?"

"One question at a time!" Gilbert said with a laugh. "To tell you the truth, it's a little... _surprise _for the rest of the world." His superior, all-knowing tone made Lovino grit his teeth. "Can't have you interfering with us, can we?"

A surprise for the rest of the world. Pranks. A few days until Christmas. Tino. Even Feliciano could have figured it out. Lovino rolled his eyes and immediately regretted the action; damn, but Gilbert had a fist and a half. "I know what's going on," said Lovino, glaring at the door. "You're gonna deliver Christmas pranks to everyone else by stealing Tino's stuff!"

Gilbert did not answer right away, and Lovino allowed himself to feel a small measure of triumph. "Oh," said Gilbert at last, sounding a bit put out. "That easy to figure out?"

"Too damn easy. You're an idiot."

"It was mostly Antonio and Francis's idea, 'kay! The awesome parts come from me, obviously."

The mention of the other nations gave Lovino pause. He hadn't heard them at all yet, which was strange; a person like Antonio could not resist speech for long, and Francis loved hearing himself talk. "So..." Lovino said suspiciously, "where are the other bastards? Why are you here?"

Gilbert gave a little 'hmph' of displeasure. "I got stuck babysitting _you_," he said, rather grumpily. "Antonio has to buy all the gifts now, and we weren't gonna leave Francis alone with you, so he got _my_ job and gets to do all the fun stealing." Gilbert snorted. "Antonio was all for staying here instead, but he's better at shopping, so..." He made another 'hmph' noise, and Lovino heard a series of small, strange noises on the other side of the door. "... I figure we might as well have fun, since this is your fault."

Lovino didn't like the way he said 'fun'.

_'~Rocking around the Christmas tree...~'_

The English words were loud and clear even through the closed door, and Lovino's eyes widened in surprise before he groaned in horror. Alfred's Christmas music. "Oh, fuck," he said, and he heard Gilbert sniggering.

"You need to get in the spirit of things, Lovino," Gilbert said evilly. "I think I'll leave this on repeat."

Lovino resolved right then and there that he would _kill_ the bastard.

* * *

><p>"Antonio. I have a question."<p>

"Hmm?" The Spanish nation paused in his perusing of several different types of glue. Francis didn't sound too happy, though it was kind of hard to tell with the scratchy connection. "What is it, _amigo_?"

"_How on earth are you supposed to get reindeer to cooperate?_"

Antonio nearly dropped his cell. "You have them already? But I'm not even done!" He snatched the nearest glue off the shelf and tossed it into the cart, then hurried down the aisle, consulting the list they'd put together.

"I do not think I'll be getting back very fast with these things. Ack! _Non!_ Don't bite there, you stupid creature!"

"Well, yelling at them won't help," Antonio said good-naturedly. "You need to calm them. Try singing to them."

"Singing to them."

"_Si._"

After a moment, Antonio heard a heavy sigh on the other end. "_Mon dieu_, this is why you should have taken this job. Why did we arrange it this way?"

"Because we don't think ahead?" Antonio suggested cheerfully. "Come on, Francis, you can do it! _Canta!_"

The French nation, who otherwise was a very genial person over the phone, hung up without another word. Clearly, he didn't like his part of the job at all.

Antonio shrugged and glanced at the list once more, and a smile lit his face. Now, it was time to head to the lingerie section...

* * *

><p>In hindsight, Lovino couldn't believe that those four blatantly obvious words actually ended up working.<p>

"I have to pee!" he yelled.

"Hold it," Gilbert shouted back, above the incessant music that was threatening to drive Lovino to the brink of insanity. If this ploy didn't work, he'd bash his head into the door; maybe that would get it to open so that he could smash whatever happening to projecting such auditory torture.

"Gilbert, I swear to God, I will pee in this bucket, and when that door is opened I will _dump it on your stupid head one way or another_."

Lovino heard approaching footsteps and a heavy sigh from Gilbert. "Do you really have to go that bad?" came the Prussian's voice, much closer than before.

"Yes!"

"I'm not supposed to let you out!"

"Oh, _come on_... you really think I'm gonna interfere with you guys' plans? I don't give a shit what you do to the rest of the world!" Lovino injected as much sincerity into his tone as was possible, and he thought he might have overdone it, but a moment later, the doorknob began to move.

He readied himself.

And when Gilbert poked his head into the closet, he got a face full of mop for his gullibility.

"Hah!" crowed Lovino, as Gilbert fell backward with a cry of shock. The Italian leapt out of the closet, swinging his mop like the weapon he'd turned it into. _Finally_, the damn thing had a use. "Stupid bastard! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!" Wielding the mop with all the skill of a professional, he swept it around toward the set of speakers Gilbert had dragged into the hall and brought the mop crashing into them. The Christmas music uttered a last dying screech as the speakers hit the ground, spluttering out and leaving everything blessedly silent.

Lovino set the end of the mop down on the ground with a satisfied sigh, leaning on it and smirking at the Prussian still on the floor. "That's more like it."

Gilbert pushed himself up, glaring at him. "You bastard-" he began, and Lovino rolled his eyes.

"Like I said," the Italian interrupted, "I couldn't give a damn about your plans, I just-"

"Who cares about that? We were gonna use those on the trip! Those speakers cost a fucking fortune!"

"Oh," said Lovino, looking down at the damaged speakers, broken so easily. "You got robbed, then."

"You think?" Gilbert said sourly, jumping to his feet. Lovino tensed, ready to wield his mop once more, but Gilbert waved a dismissive hand at him. "I'm not gonna try anything. I'd rather not be on the receiving end of your fist, thanks." He rubbed at his face; there was a blossoming bruise on his left cheek, and Lovino did not feel the least bit sorry. It was a satisfying sight. "Though I am _so_ going to get you back for damaging this awesome face."

"We'll see," snorted Lovino.

* * *

><p>"We're ba~aaack!"<p>

When Antonio burst back into his house, beaming, he found a most unusual sight. "What the hell are you two doing?" he asked, bewildered.

"Kicking _ass_," said Gilbert, utterly concentrated on the TV and the controller in his hand. "Take that!"

"Fuck you!" returned Lovino, practically button mashing at this point.

The two of them had dragged out the Christmas gifts Antonio had received from Alfred one year - an Xbox and some mech game that Kiku had created. Which was strange enough in and of itself, not to mention the last time Antonio had been here, Lovino had been unconscious and in a closet.

"And how did this come about?" the Spaniard asked, still bemused.

"We got bored," Gilbert answered, smirking when 'K.O.' flashed across the screen and Lovino threw down his own controller with a scowl. "And Lovino had to pee, but let's not talk about that. You got everything?" he asked, standing.

Antonio nodded, still quite confused, but oh, what the heck, it was just nice to his little Lovi awake. "I'm so sorry we had to do that to you, Lovi!" the Spanish nation exclaimed. "We couldn't be sure what you would do, and this is such a great plan, after all. You're not going to spill, are you?"

The Italian rolled his eyes as he got to his feet. "Why would I care about your stupid plan? And don't call me Lovi!"

Ah, he was so cute. Antonio grinned. "Well, come on! Come see what we got!"

* * *

><p>Reindeer. Fucking <em>reindeer<em>. Though Lovino had pretty much guessed that was what these three morons were planning, he still couldn't believe his eyes.

"You actually _stole_ Tino's reindeer," he muttered, somewhat amazed.

Francis jumped down from the sleigh, which was packed with everything they must have bought. "I did," he said rather smugly, but a moment later, he frowned in the direction of the animals, who were now giving Gilbert some trouble. "They are most difficult creatures, too. Why are you out of the closet, Lovino?" A moment later, his eyes lit up at this unintentional play on words. "Does this mean you will accept my affections now?"

"I will _hurt_ you."

"Now, now, no hurting or anything else," Antonio said smoothly, stepping in between them. "We have a job to do! We need to get all these 'gifts' wrapped."

Lovino frowned. There was still something he didn't quite get. "So... you want to fly all over the world to deliver these gag gifts to everyone." He glanced at the sleigh's contents, and his frown deepened; these three had devious minds. "How the hell are you supposed to manage that without being caught?"

"Ah, but no one will be home tonight," Francis said with a wink. "Think."

Of course. The annual Christmas party. It was being hosted at Matthew's place this year, and nearly every nation was going to be there. The deliveries would be made when the world was occupied with that, and everyone would return home to find their special 'gifts' waiting for them. There'd also be time to return Tino's deer and sleigh before Christmas Eve.

Lovino was very nearly impressed. It was almost smart. Still... "Why not just _mail_ the gifts?" he asked.

"That would take too long," Francis said dismissively. "And there would be no guarantee of all the gifts arriving at the same time. Besides, this adds a certain measure of fun to it, no?"

In other words, they just wanted to cause as much trouble as possible. Typical.

As the others began to unload the sleigh, Lovino wandered over to the reindeer, scowling; they were better company than any nations present. "I know," he said to the creatures. "It sucks, right? They won't let me leave, either." He directed a glare at Gilbert's back; the Prussian had agreed not to try to force him back into the closet, but he hadn't allowed Lovino to go home, either, saying some nonsense about Lovino still potentially ruining their plans. "And now they're making you guys work for them. Bastards." He reached out, absently stroking the lead reindeer's nose. It nuzzled his hand, perfectly docile compared to how much the creatures seemed to dislike the other three nations. Honestly, the morons couldn't even handle a couple of reindeer...

An arm was slung across his shoulders. "Well, this is interesting," said Gilbert's sly voice. "The deer seem to like _you_."

"Very interesting," agreed Francis from somewhere behind them, as Lovino threw Gilbert off with a huff. "You know, I don't much feel like flying them again. Once was difficult enough."

Gilbert nodded slowly. "So," he said to Lovino, grinning, "want to help us spread Christmas joy?"

Lovino looked back at the reindeer, his eyes widening. "No way," he said vehemently. "No fucking way. I'm not flying the damn sleigh for you!"

"Well, it's your fault for walking in on us in the first place."

"Since you can't leave, you might as well pull your weight."

"No!"

Another arm found a place across Lovino's shoulders - Antonio's. The Spaniard began to guide him back towards the house, smiling. "You don't have to do it right _now_," he said cheerily. "All you have to do is help us wrap the gifts!"

And though Lovino protested fiercely and even contemplated an attempt at beating them all up and escaping, he found himself doing just that.

* * *

><p>The party was crazy and loud and bustling as usual, as it was every single bloody year. Arthur was scowling the minute he arrived, rolling his eyes at the antics of his fellows. But oddly enough, it soon became apparent that the usual source of greatest irritation was nowhere to be found, not even when Arthur made an attempt to look for the missing nation. He should have been relieved by such an absence, but it was just too suspicious.<p>

"Hey," he said to the nearest individual, when he arrived at the buffet table. "Have you seen Francis anywhere?"

"No," said Ludwig, who was also frowning. "Have you seen _mein bruder_?"

"Gilbert's missing too?" Arthur asked in some surprise. How strange - and even more suspect.

"And Lovino and Big Brother Antonio as well," said Feliciano, who stood beside Ludwig, looking worried. "Ve~ we can't find them anywhere!"

Antonio and Lovino as well? Well, Lovino's absence wasn't nearly as suspicious as that of the other three, who always made it a point to attend every single party they possibly could. Arthur frowned, but before he could dwell on this turn of events, he heard a familiar, obnoxious voice yelling at him.

"Dude! Dude! Oh, hey, Ludwig, Feli, what's up?" Alfred skidded up to them, his eyes sparkling. "You guys are never gonna believe what I just heard!"

"What? Spit it out!" Arthur snapped, when Alfred dragged the silence out for effect.

"Tino's reindeer got stolen!" the American exclaimed.

"Seriously?" Ludwig asked, his eyes growing wide. He seemed to arrive at the exact same conclusion that Arthur did, because both of them spun around to search the room for the Nordics. Arthur caught sight of them on the other side of the room; four of them stood around the fifth, Tino, who was seated and looked rather stressed. Berwald had a comforting hand on his shoulder.

A moment later, both the Englishman and the German marched towards the little group.

"What's gotten into them?" Alfred asked, raising an eyebrow and glancing at Feliciano, who looked just as confused. Alfred shrugged, and the two of them followed.

The Nordics parted slightly as Arthur and Ludwig arrived, and Tino looked up at their approach. "What's this about your deer?" the Englishman asked without preamble, folding his arms.

"They just vanished!" Tino said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Only they would never go off on their own, and my sleigh was gone too, so I know they were stolen!" He looked between Arthur and Ludwig, somewhat hopefully. "Do you know anything?"

The Englishman and the German exchanged a knowing glance. They didn't have any concrete proof, but there was a very, very good chance that they knew _exactly_ who had done this. It was painfully obvious. "We may," Ludwig said. "Firstly, did you find any evidence at all...?"

* * *

><p>It was already morning by the time the four nations stumbled back into Antonio's house.<p>

"Never again," Lovino groaned, collapsing onto the nearest sofa and shoving his face into a pillow. His arms hurt like hell. Never again would he attempt to control reindeer in mid-flight. How did Tino _do _it? "I hate you people."

"Love you too," Antonio said with a yawn. "I'm so tired! But that was great. I haven't had so much fun in a long time."

Gilbert snickered as he dropped into a chair. "Their faces are gonna be priceless. I wish we could be there with cameras. I can't wait to see how mad everyone's gonna be at the next meeting."

"We will bring cameras for that, yes?" Francis agreed.

Lovino closed his eyes, listening as the other three went on and on about their nightly escapade and discussed returning the reindeer and sleigh under the cover of evening. God, he'd give anything _not_ to listen to their voices for the rest of the year. Still, he had to admit... it _had_ been kinda fun. If you could count hanging out with morons as fun.

He was just beginning to drift off into sleep when he heard the commotion outside.

The four of them jumped up when there came a bang at the front door. "We know you're in there!" Ludwig's angry voice said. "Gilbert! Don't make me break down this door!"

"Shit," Gilbert muttered. They hurried to one of the windows and took a quick peek, paling a little at the sight of a none-too-happy Berwald behind Ludwig, not to mention Tino's expression. "You think they know?"

"Well, we did leave the reindeer outside," Antonio said worriedly.

There were other angry voices besides Ludwig's outside, other irate faces; it seemed a sizable crowd had come, and none of them sounded happy. They'd probably found their 'gifts' already.

"How did they figure it out so fast?" Francis exclaimed.

Lovino had already left the other three behind. "Did you think being missing from the party _wouldn't_ raise suspicion?" he asked in disbelief, heading for the hall. "I can't believe you bastards didn't think of that!"

"Well, ya could've brought something up!" Gilbert said furiously. "Wait, where are you going?"

"If anyone asks, I've been in the closet the whole time."

Lovino snickered at the cries of outrage from behind him. "No fair!" Gilbert said. "You helped us, you're taking some of the blame!"

"Get back here!" Francis ordered.

"Not a chance in hell. You guys kidnapped me, remember?"

"Lovi!"

Lovino ignored his nickname, blocked out the rest of their words, and entered the hated cleaning closet, which had suddenly become a haven. He made sure the doorknob's lock was firmly in place and shut it behind him, snorting. It would have been fun to see what the rest of the nations did in retaliation, but there was no way he was getting caught up in that. Better to play the victim.

He sat himself down next to the trusty mop, smiling, and waited to be rescued.


End file.
